Despair

despair

Main Entry: 1de•spair
Pronunciation: di-'sper
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English despeiren, from Anglo-French desperer, from Latin desperare, from de- + sperare to hope; akin to Latin spes hope -- more at SPEED
intransitive verb : to lose all hope or confidence

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

August 26th 10:45am MST I lost what I can only describe as a Soul Mate. You hear people talk of finding their Soul Mate and feeling complete, Yin to Yang. I can attest to this as Diana completed me in so many ways that I would never be able to describe them in words.

I met Diana over 10 years ago and there was something which drew me to her as no other had. It was not long before we were close and had declared our love for each other to each other. Both of us being married at the time this did little to affect how we felt about each other. We both knew that we had obligations (marriages) and we were content to allow our commitments to take precedence over our feelings. We both felt that it was the proper thing to do. Still, love will not, cannot, be denied and so we accepted what we had and left it at that. There was nothing further that could be done and we were both happy as it was.

While to our closest friends our love for each other was plain to see I have no doubt, just how deep it went I think was unknown at the time to even us. We spent a great deal of time talking to each other, sharing our inner most secrets. Our fears and dreams. Two creative minds from which world sprang into being and live were created. Our relationship was one that we were content to merely be in each other’s company if even only through cyber space. For years we expressed our feeling through our characters as you see we were both writers and shared a deep creative passion for the telling of stories.

Through the years we built a world which was ours and through Wenn & Wolf we could express our love for each other. Through the years that followed life often got in the way and caused me to be absent for months at a time yet each time life allowed me to surface for air it was always to see her once again and enjoy her company. There was no feeling of reproach for my absence, only an acceptance of the fact that I had return if even only for a short time. We placed no demands upon each other’s time as we were secure in our love for each other. For over ten year’s her love has sustained me through some of the worse times in my life. When life was at its worst I always knew that she was there and that she loved me, unquestioning, undemanding, unjudgemental and ever giving. She was my heart, my soul and I the lucky fool that I am was blessed to not only stand within her light but to oft be the focus of it...and now she is gone and I despair for there is a void, an emptiness which will never again be filled. The funny thing is that until I met her I never knew that void was there but now having known her and lost her I will forever be acutely aware of the absence of her presence.

I morn, but not for her passage, rather for my pitiful self who is left here without her, unable to follow her on her journey from this life. Life here is but one step upon a longer journey which we all must take. I know that I will see her again some place, some time but not yet though as I have much yet to do here.

Diana, as you already know, wolves mate for life. You will always be my Alpha wolf and the only one for me. In your own words one last time:

"Min Feill Sha`naigh... My Beloved Wolf... My love for you hath no bounds."

Home Sweet Home

Domicile
Main Entry: 1do·mi·cile
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French, from Latin domicilium, from domus
1 : a dwelling place : place of residence : HOME
2 a : a person's fixed, permanent, and principal home for legal purposes b : RESIDENCE 2b

Once again home is as it should be. We've had company for the last 10 days which has made it very hectic around. Company is good but it changes things from the norm. Sometimes it is good to return to the normalness of life.

Don'y get me wrong, I really like T & L and their 2 year-old son C was a blast to have around. I've known T since he was 9...some 20 years now. They are all good people and C...well I had fogotten what it was like to have little feet running around the house. What was amazing to me is that at only 2 he could talk your ear off and use full length sentances to do it. What a cutie!

I'll be keeping this one short as the next one I have to talk about D Jr. and it is sure to be a long one.

...and 1 more makes 4

Dependent
de·pen·dent (dĭ-pěn'dənt) Pronunciation Key adj.
Contingent on another.
Subordinate.
Relying on or requiring the aid of another for support: dependent children.

Wow has it really been a week since my last post? Time really seems to fly these days.

Eye doctors exam went well and within the next 8-10 business days I'll be sporting, for the first time ever, a new stylin pair of glasses. They'll be strictly for reading and computer time. The Doc assured me that it should go a long way in stopping all the headaches I've been having every day.

Got an interesting phone call from Thing 2 yesterday. Wanted to know if she died tomorrow would I be willing to take custody of her son so that he and my Princess wouldn't be separated. Never mind that I don't have a legal right to him at this point. The question actually got me thinking...if you were asked that question how in the owrld could anyone say no? Granted now someone who didn't love kids could probably say no but still it's just an akward question to ask or anyone that you're not related to.

Is it just me.....

Declinede·cline Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[di-klahyn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -clined, -clin·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
9. to fail in strength, vigor, character, value, etc.; deteriorate.
10. to fail or dwindle; sink or fade away: to decline in popularity.

While admittedly today’s word has many meaning and can be used in many ways I've selected the 9th & 10th definitions of it.

Like it or not, we start life at the top of our journey and we travel downwards from there. Each day, at the broadest terms, brings a decline to our life. One less day we'll be here on this hunk of rock. This, in most cases is not a bad thing but rather just a fact of what is or more importantly, what will be.

For the most part as we are children we think nothing of this. We are secure in our knowledge that we have the rest of our lives ahead of us and there will be plenty of time to worry about it then...later...not now.

As teenagers/young adults we are too full of ourselves to notice the passing of time. We are young, we know it all and the world is ours for the taking. We see ourselves as reaching new heights and the world spreading out before us as if we've reached a mountain plateau with a breath taking vista before us.

As adults our world is filled with work and raising a family. There is never enough time to worry about anything other than what the day will bring or possibly looking forward to the weekend. Even then there is always more to do than there are hours in a day. We strode boldly through life assured in our capability to handle anything life may throw at us. We drive ourselves forward headless of what demands we ask of our bodies knowing only that we are young and we can accomplish anything we put our minds to.

I once thought that way. I was there with the best of them, no thought to the future. No worries about tomorrow. Declining was something grand parents or great grandparents did. While, I am neither a grandparent or a great grandparent but it seems that I am starting to pay for the "Sins of my youth" as the syaing goes.

I won't go into what exactly those sins are as well...that would just take too long. I started noticing changes a few years ago. First there are the usual ones. It takes longer to heal than it did before. Waking up in the morning with aches and pains and you go to jump out of bed to start the day only to realize you're still sitting on the bed. Foods you use to love to eat before not play murder on your stomach. Where I use to be able to stay up till the late hours of the night and get up at the crack of dawn I now find myself going to bed earlier and hitting the snooze button more often than I should in the morning. Mostly due to being very reluctant to leave the warmth of my covers.

Even those things which were once perfect have begun to change and betray me. I use to have perfect eye sight…a fact for some strange reason I have always been proud of. Don’t ask me why as I have no control over that. About a year ago I started to notice a slight blurring around the edges of words when reading. This has progressed to the point that now my arms are not long enough to hold the paper away from me to be able to read it. Nothing like having to lay the paper on a table and step back from it just to read the print. So come Monday I’ll be making a trip to see the eye doctor so he can tell me I need glasses.

Yes, I thought I was invulnerable and that my eyes would last me forever. In my arrogance I had even convinced myself that staring at a computer screen for 12+ hours a day for 20 years wouldn’t hurt me. Oh the ignorance of youth!

Some lessons in life we learn early, some we learn later and some we never learn at all.

There goes the bank roll

Delay
delay[1,noun]delay[2,verb]DeLay
Main Entry: 1de·lay
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a: the act of delaying : the state of being delayed b: an instance of being delayed
2: the time during which something is delayed

OK, this is a cheap tie in to todays word. Is it just me or does Blogger seem to run slower since switching over to Google? Granted it could just be me but it sure seems to take longer to log in now. Perhgaps I'm just getting old(er)?

Busy weekend ahead but I wanted to make sure to drop in and say a few things. Went to Fry's yesterday. Anyone who doesn't know what Fry's is...well the best way to desribe it would be "Computer Geek Boy Heaven". I spent far more than I had intended to...par for the course for that place. I did manage to pick up a SAN (Storage Area Network) device. It's pretty cool as it hold 500GB of info and connects directly to the router/network here at the house. New toys are always good!!

Been a while

Main Entry: dusty
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): dust·i·er; -est
Date: 13th century
1: covered or abounding with dust
2: consisting of dust : powdery
3: resembling dust
4: lacking vitality : dry

OK, so I finally showed back up and dusted off the place. I make no promises to how often I'll be posting though. Life is busier than ever these days and the days, despite the time change, just aren't long enough it seems.

On a good note though two days ago I started walking again. Did 1.4 miles the first night and 2.1 miles last night so needless to say I am hurting today. I'll be out walking again tonight even though last night was kind enough to give me a blister on my right foot. I'm going to give this another go though now that the weather is nicer. It's hard when you get home it's already dark out and its cold (well cold for southern Cali) out. Just couldn't get motivated in those kind of conditions. On a goo note D Jr. has walked both nights with me which gives us time to talk and have those "Male Bonding" moments.

His school did go to well last grading perios. Somehow he managed to take a B, B, C & A and in 2 weeks drop them to a D, F, F & C. I swear I don't know how he does it. We have a new agreement currently. I call it dangling the carrot in front of the...well you know what I mean. He'll be turning 17 in October and badly wants to learn how to drive. So I told him if he can bring home good grades next grading period without his mother and I having to ride him all the time that I would sign him up for Drivers Education. Further I told him that if he can manage to graduate with his current class (aka not have to stay an extra sememster to make up classes) that upon his graduation I would give him the Mustang. The cars paid for so if he wrecks it at least I won't be still paying on it. We'll see how it goes. He claims to be doing well in his classes but given his ability to lie to us about these things I ain't holding my breath.

In other news, My youngest, S has been growing....sideways. We were surprised that he finally agreed to play Little League baseball as he had said he didn't want to this year. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that two of his cousins are on the team and teir father is one of the coaches. Still it's good to seehim up and moving...now if I could just get him to walk with us!! Lastly, my little Princess V had to get glasses. She was a 2.75 in her left eye and a 1.5 in the right. Now I have no clue what those numbers mean but it is what was on the prescription. Of course Thing 2 didn't have money for glasses so I took her. $250 for 2 pairs of glasses and this was durring a buy 1 get the 2nd at half price sale. I figured as she is only 9 it was wise to have a backup pair. Of course the backup pair are not as stylish as the main ones but they'll do if anything happens to those.

OK, I've rattled on long enough for one post. I'll post again as time and my memory allows me to.

The Seasons

dawdle

Main Entry: daw•dle
Pronunciation: 'do-d&l
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): daw•dled; daw•dling /'do-dli[ng], -d&l-i[ng]/
intransitive verb

1 : to spend time idly
2 : to move lackadaisically
transitive verb : to spend fruitlessly or lackadaisically

OK, so I have come to the conclusion that the Holidays are not the best time to try and lose weight. I was doing so well...ok, I was doing OK but then Thanksgiving had to come around! I haven't been walking at night since the day before Thanksgiving. I have still walked at work but just not at night. I really need to get back into it...however that will apparently have to wait now. Why you ask? Keep reading.

It seems I am not the only one to dawdle in the family. D Jr. has been doing his fair share recently...almost to the point that I want to throw something, pull all my hair out and generally explode with frustration!! Aren't kids just great!! Seems he was ditching school again and doing nothing in his classes. Here is a good example of what I am up against.

*1000+ word MLA English report was due on the 21st. - Not handed in
*Asked D Jr, was told he handed it in.
*Received email from teacher saying no he hadn't and that he would give him till the 30th to hand it in.
*Asked D. Jr - said he will print it out again on the 27th and hand it in
*Email from teacher on the 28th...no report received
*Spoke with D Jr. evening of the 28th - he confirmed he had it on computer at school but failed to make it to the library to print it out again. Sent him to school early morning of the 29th so he could do this.
*Email from teacher...no report received.
*(see a pattern here yet?)
*Spoke with D Jr. evening of 29th explained if it was not turned in by tomorrow he'd get no credit for it. Offered to help do the report with him (this was about my fourth time offering to help him with the report).
*Evening of the 30th spoke with D Jr and received a sworn testament that he had placed the report on the teachers desk.
*Figure all is well that ends well and so have a nice weekend
*Monday the 4th receive email from teacher...no report received and further more the kids are not allowed near his desk
*Evening of the 4th final get confession that he has never done the report. Stay up till after 1am doing report with him. He'll turn it in even though he won't get credit for it.

The above is more and more taking on the aspect of the norm for all his classes. Don't even get me started with Math and Biology!!

The joys of being a parent!!  Between the Math Tutor three nights a week (can we say Cha-Ching?) and making sure he does the work for his other classes it just doesn't leave much time for walking at night it seems.