Despair

despair

Main Entry: 1de•spair
Pronunciation: di-'sper
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English despeiren, from Anglo-French desperer, from Latin desperare, from de- + sperare to hope; akin to Latin spes hope -- more at SPEED
intransitive verb : to lose all hope or confidence

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

August 26th 10:45am MST I lost what I can only describe as a Soul Mate. You hear people talk of finding their Soul Mate and feeling complete, Yin to Yang. I can attest to this as Diana completed me in so many ways that I would never be able to describe them in words.

I met Diana over 10 years ago and there was something which drew me to her as no other had. It was not long before we were close and had declared our love for each other to each other. Both of us being married at the time this did little to affect how we felt about each other. We both knew that we had obligations (marriages) and we were content to allow our commitments to take precedence over our feelings. We both felt that it was the proper thing to do. Still, love will not, cannot, be denied and so we accepted what we had and left it at that. There was nothing further that could be done and we were both happy as it was.

While to our closest friends our love for each other was plain to see I have no doubt, just how deep it went I think was unknown at the time to even us. We spent a great deal of time talking to each other, sharing our inner most secrets. Our fears and dreams. Two creative minds from which world sprang into being and live were created. Our relationship was one that we were content to merely be in each other’s company if even only through cyber space. For years we expressed our feeling through our characters as you see we were both writers and shared a deep creative passion for the telling of stories.

Through the years we built a world which was ours and through Wenn & Wolf we could express our love for each other. Through the years that followed life often got in the way and caused me to be absent for months at a time yet each time life allowed me to surface for air it was always to see her once again and enjoy her company. There was no feeling of reproach for my absence, only an acceptance of the fact that I had return if even only for a short time. We placed no demands upon each other’s time as we were secure in our love for each other. For over ten year’s her love has sustained me through some of the worse times in my life. When life was at its worst I always knew that she was there and that she loved me, unquestioning, undemanding, unjudgemental and ever giving. She was my heart, my soul and I the lucky fool that I am was blessed to not only stand within her light but to oft be the focus of it...and now she is gone and I despair for there is a void, an emptiness which will never again be filled. The funny thing is that until I met her I never knew that void was there but now having known her and lost her I will forever be acutely aware of the absence of her presence.

I morn, but not for her passage, rather for my pitiful self who is left here without her, unable to follow her on her journey from this life. Life here is but one step upon a longer journey which we all must take. I know that I will see her again some place, some time but not yet though as I have much yet to do here.

Diana, as you already know, wolves mate for life. You will always be my Alpha wolf and the only one for me. In your own words one last time:

"Min Feill Sha`naigh... My Beloved Wolf... My love for you hath no bounds."